Warm Words and Thudding Hearts
by Drosselmeyer's Ancestor
Summary: Warmth can be found anywhere, but Yuki thinks it's best found in Natsuki's voice. A fic about falling in love, 30 prompts, 30 chapters.
1. Beginning

Natsuki likes to call him at the strangest times.

The first time he receives a call, it's five in the morning, and the ringing Yuki almost ignores. But it's persistent, and he groans and rolls over, grabbing it off the table.

"Hello...?"

"Yuki! How are you?" The voice is a little fuzzy with static, but it's warm, and it takes Yuki a second to place before realizing that it's Natsuki.

"Natsuki...? What are you calling for?" He murmurs, still sleepy.

"Ah, I just...Wanted to call you, I guess." Is the reply. "Why?"

"It's five fifteen over here, Natsuki."

"Really? I'm sorry, I should've checked..." He sounds embarrassed, almost overly so, and Yuki can't help but feel bad. "Should I just, hang up then?"

"No, it's okay." Yuki stretches. "It's Sunday, so there's not school or anything. Why'd you want to call?"

"Well, I..."

The pause drags itself out. Yuki waits, curious and a little concerned. He asks into the phone, "Natsuki, are you still there?"

"Uhm, yeah." He answers, and something in his voice makes Yuki think he's fidgeting, just a little. "Sorry."

"It's okay. But why'd you call me?"

"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."

"About what?"

"I don't know!" He seems frustrated, voice rising, and Yuki gives his phone a confused look. "I just wanted to talk to someone that isn't my family, that's all."

"Oh, okay." He lies back on his bed, the very edges of sunrise hitting his window.

"So, erm...How are you?" The phone crackles with slight static, a short stutter of sound before clearing up again. Yuki takes a moment to think about the reply.

"I'm fine. School is busy, and Haru and Urara-"

"Haru came back?"

"You didn't know?"

"No, not at all! When? Why? Was it with that strange alien?" His questions come laced with concern, a little bit of fury and a little bit of something like sadness, Yuki can tell. He wonders, for a split second, why he can tell so well, but Natsuki's alarmed, "Yuki?" pulls his thoughts away.

"Haru came back a month or two after you left, Urara came with him, and Coco as well. They wanted to live here, that's all Haru said. Urara isn't dangerous, though...He's a little, odd I guess, like Haru is, but mostly he's fine. Shy."

There's a frustrated sigh from the other end of the phone, and Yuki can imagine Natsuki running his hands through his hair - he wonders if it's still short, probably not - agitated expression on his face, mother's bracelet sliding down his arm.

"I guess everything is all right then."

"Yeah, it is. Don't worry too much, Natsuki." Yuki can't help but smile. "How are you, anyways?"

"Tired, happy." A worn, warm sort of tone creeps into his reply, Yuki can hear it, even through the phone." I've fished so many different fish here. America is so different from Enoshima..."

Yuki smiles again, hopes it translates through his words. "I believe you."

A single pause makes Yuki wonder if he's said something wrong before Natsuki replies,

"Thanks."

And it's so warm, like a soft blanket drifting over him, like a smile directed at him alone, and Yuki doesn't reply, because he doesn't know how.

"I should probably let you get a little sleep, right? Sorry I called so early. I'll try to time it better". The phone has a moment of static over the words, but Yuki hears him perfectly.

"It's okay." Yuki says, because he's drowsy from the light and the warmth that's encased him. "Call when you want."

"...Okay. Bye, Yuki." He says, and Yuki, Yuki closes his eyes and smiles, and misses the slight, breathlessness of Natsuki's voice when he says goodbye.

That is the _beginning._

* * *

[[Be still, my heart. Tsuritama may have ended, but I'm going to fanfic myself out for a while.

Now who says my ship was sunk, excuse me, long distance relationships can happen, anyways...I'm going to try to write a fic using prompts I've found online(30 in total), about Yuki and Natsuki falling in love and, and basically all that sap. Hopefully I can do this.]]


	2. Accusation

He isn't quite sure when it started, but he knows that it's been going on for much too long. He's dreaming of smiles and laughter and bright red hair.

Natsuki Usami can't stop thinking of Yuki Sanada.

He is so fucking screwed.

He doesn't quite understand why he can't stop, but he knows for a fact that thoughts of Yuki are constantly rolling around in his head, and they all make him smile, push him through lonely nights and days when he wishes that he hadn't left Enoshima for a dream. He thinks of Yuki pushing past all his fears to save Haru, he thinks of Yuki trying so hard to get past his own inhibitions, he thinks of Yuki cheerfully greeting customers at the Hemingway and suddenly, Natsuki can keep his dream running, he's back to himself.

It's on a whim that he calls Yuki, and every other call after that is the same way, and he wonders why he didn't think of it in the past three months he's been in America, seven months in total since that fiasco with Haru and the other strange alien, Urara. He doesn't wonder about the tightness in his chest every time he makes a call, doesn't dare touch on the subject.

It's not strange, not really. To call someone who is, honestly, your only best friend at five or six in the morning, that's pretty normal, isn't it? At least, that's what he tells himself.

He checks the time. It'll be around six thirty in the morning over there, and Natsuki looks guiltily at his phone. He really shouldn't call, especially not when it's a weekday, but he hadn't called at all last week, and it's taken its toll on him. He sort of hopes that maybe, it might have taken a toll on Yuki as well, but, but that's just loneliness, nothing more. He loves his family, but Yuki is his friend, and obviously, he's more relaxed around his friend rather than his family, it only makes_ sense_-

Irritated, he flips through his phone and calls, determined to get a handle on himself. He's over-thinking everything. Yuki is his friend, he cares about his well-being like a friend should. That's all there is to the matter.

Except for the dreams of smiles, but he'll deal with those later.

"...Natsuki?" A little fuzzy through the phone, but Yuki's voice is the same. It's not quite as laced with sleep as Natsuki thought it would be, but still, ever the same.

He ignores the warm feeling that spreads through his chest and focuses on speaking. It doesn't work entirely, but it works enough.

"Hey, Yuki."

"Hey. So what's up?"

"Not much with me, still training for a tournament is all." Natsuki sits down on his apartment couch, leans back on the armrest. "Anything interesting over there?"

"Well, interesting is a way to put it..." Yuki mumbles.

"What? What happened? Is it Urara-related?" He does his best to hold back his worry, forcing the questions out at a steady pace. Yuki stutters into the phone.

"No, not at all! It's not alien related at all, no..." And Natsuki believes him, because there's really no reason for Yuki to lie. But he's curious, even with the sinking feeling of premonition that Natsuki never trusts but always should.

"So what is it then?"

"Well, I, uhm," And Natsuki imagines him, can see him looking down at the floor, awkward, stressed expression on his face, and Natsuki opens his mouth to say 'It's fine if you don't want to tell me', but Yuki beats him to sound.

"IwentonafewdateswithErika." He says it so fast Natsuki almost doesn't catch it, almost.

Almost.

He...He knows what he should say, he knows what a friend should say, but he can't get the words out. They choke him in the worst ways, make his insides tighten to the point where they're like coiled springs.

_Get a grip._ He shouts in his head. _Get a grip! What is the big deal?_

_Everything is the big deal!_ A part of him screams. _Everything!_

He closes his eyes and pushes it back, that part of him, he pushes it as hard as he can but it still remains in the background, screaming murder.

Still, he tries to compose himself, because that's all he can do. He shouldn't be this upset. He shouldn't be upset at all. This is not how anything should be, he lets the hand not holding the phone curl into a fist, tightening as he makes himself speak.

"Really? Lucky you then. She's my cousin, so you should treat her well." Fine. This is fine. He sounds completely fine. Everything, his tone, it's perfectly normal. Regular.

"We- It's not like we're dating or anything!" Yuki sounds insistent, and maybe Natsuki would be more willing to listen if the pulse in his head wasn't so loud.

"It's not a big deal, Yuki. We're already near eighteen, it's pretty normal." He tries to add something to it, like that he's glad Yuki has grown out of his shell, but everything he can think of sounds either sarcastic or wrong coming out of his mouth.

"Natsuki-! We aren't- It's not-" And the pulse in Natsuki's head is so loud that his fist is shaking.

"IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, OKAY? I DON'T CARE!" He snaps, hisses a breath. "I don't care. It doesn't involve me."

There is a silence, just enough time for Natsuki to realize he has royally fucked himself over. He messed up. He messed it up, he realizes, he made himself look like an idiot, he got overly angry at Yuki who didn't even deserve it, doesn't even know why, and he doesn't even know why he's so angry, he doesn't know at all what is going on in his head but he knows one thing, he messed up. All thanks to the stupid coiled springs that he couldn't unwind, the shaking fist that now flops limply on the couch as he scrambles for words that don't come out. All he ends up managing is a short 'goodbye', hanging up the phone before he messes it up any further.

He throws his phone on the table, not caring if it breaks. It doesn't, much to his chagrin.

Throwing his arm over his eyes as he slides down the couch, he groans. Why can't he just be a good friend, why does he have to have these moments, why does he want Yuki all to his goddamn _self_-

-No, he's not thinking this. He's not thinking about the implications. He refuses.

Instead he tries to figure out his tone when he shouted at Yuki, realizes late in the night that it was, in fact, an _accusation._

* * *

[[Why do I hurt myself in this way  
I'm going to rectify this don't worry but  
Ugh why did I have to make myself write angst first  
also according to official tweets(they were translated here: yoshi-x2 . livejournal -dotcom-slash-17044 . html) Natsuki and Erika are related]]


	3. Restless

He doesn't call that week. Nor the next.

Yuki normally wouldn't mind it, not much, he'd note the lack of a call and feel a little sadness, but he'd also remember that Natsuki has a job in America, sort of, and he'd let his sadness slide away, remembering how happy Natsuki had been to leave Enoshima and follow his dreams. All Yuki wanted for any of his friends was happiness.

But the last call he'd received unnerved him, left him stranded in confusion and worry and also frustration, because Natsuki didn't listen to him, he told him he wasn't dating Erika, and yet Natsuki, he...

He had said he didn't care, but Yuki can tell, he does. He knows he does, at least, he's pretty sure Natsuki does, but the feeling is confusing at best. Natsuki cares, but Yuki can't tell what he cares about, what part of the words made him snap. That's what confuses him, that turmoil in his head that makes it hard to sleep, hard to think of anything but Natsuki.

Maybe he's looking too deeply into it, but he can't stop. He tries to run every word through his head, tries to figure out how the conversation became tangled, but he can't figure it out. He fidgets in class and lags at work, almost breaks a dish at home and almost falls into the sea - admittedly, that had been a Haru-related accident, but if he was paying any attention the chance wouldn't have been there.

Worse still, he feels discomfort whenever he sees Erika, who seems to like him, but he can't say quite the same, she's kind, but something is missing, something he can't place but realizes isn't there. She notices it before he has to say anything, she gives him a kind, gentle smile and tells him that she enjoyed their time together, and he nods and tries to apologize, but she doesn't have any of it. She just shrugs and laughs, saying, "It's how life is. We're still young, after all." Yuki is glad she's forgiving.

He wishes in the back of his mind, a little sarcastic scoff, that Natsuki was the same way.

_Two weeks,_ he thinks, flipping his phone over and over in his hands._ It's been two weeks. I wonder if he's okay._

Yuki isn't going to lie, he is utterly _restless._

* * *

[[This is way shorter than I thought it was, whoops. Had to hurry through it though, because I'm busy today. I think I managed that well enough though, everything I wanted to put is in there after all...]]


	4. Snowflake

Paws reach for the feather at the end of the string, batting playfully. Natsuki smiles.

In two weeks he has:

Picked up a cat from the streets, won a fishing competition, gained a small sponsor, cooked fish decently, studied English at the local college nearby, and done nearly everything but contact Yuki and apologize.

He tells himself it's because he's been busy. He tells himself that is absolute bull.

In truth, he really doesn't know what to say, how to apologize for something he doesn't even understand himself. He wants to apologize, spends hours thinking of exactly how, but every time he picks up the phone he ends up putting it back down and doing something else. He frets over the conversations that could follow, the loss of friendship that could result, even though rationally he knows that the longer he puts it off the more likely they are to actually happen. And that's not even the worst part.

The worst part is the fact that he is terribly lonely.

Without noticing, those conversations have become something of a routine, and without them his whole week feels slightly off. He'll distract himself by doing something else, then end up thinking about telling Yuki about it, only to remember their last conversation and stop, suppressing the want to talk, and then feel irritated because he has no one to go to, or rather, no one he wants to go to. It's an endless cycle that's starting to bite at him viciously, and yet he can't pick up his phone.

The cat climbs into his lap, bored, and kneads her paws into his legs. Natsuki pets her absentmindedly, still thinking of his abandoned apologies.

She purrs, nips at his fingers, and Natsuki laughs and pulls his fingers away, gently scolding.

"Fuyu..."

The cat meows in response, rising.

_I'm glad I saw her._ He thinks, watching as she climbs off his lap and jumps onto the table, white fur easily seen against dark wood. Snow, the fur reminded him of. Winter.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he notices about five seconds too late that she's stepped on his phone, and when he hears the dial tone he pales. He hasn't called Yuki in a while, but he can't recall if he's called anyone else either.

He scrambles, awkwardly flailing off his couch and grabbing his phone off the table in the process, half-hoping Yuki is on the other end and half-hoping it's an accidental call to anyone else but Yuki.

He holds his breath, nerves tight.

"...Onii-san?"

"Sakura." He breathes, collapses on the couch again. "Sorry, I-" Through the phone he hears the door chime and stiffens, hoping for just a little more luck-

"Yuki, Haru! Hi! Onii-san is on the phone right now, you want to talk to him?" His eyes widen, he glances at his phone in panic. "He hasn't called you, right?"

"Sakura- no, don't-"

"Natsuki! Haru here! How have you been? We're great! We're teaching Urara to fish and Coco too, they're really bad at it, almost as bad as when Yuki started- Oh, Yuki, you should talk to Natsuki too, here!"

There's a scuffling sound, then a familiar, nervous, "Hello, Natsuki."

He pauses.

"Uhm." Inwardly, he groans. "Hi, Yuki."

A minute passes by, and Natsuki is starting to think Yuki has froze up, not that he's any different. Does he apologize? Does he ignore it and speak? What does he do in this situation-

"Ehh, Yuki, why are you making that face? It's just Natsuki!" He hears from the other end, and it causes an unsteady chuckle to come out of him. "Yukiiiiii! Stop! Natsuki's your friend! Did you forget? Yuki, don't tell me you've forgotten Natsuki already!" And Natsuki laughs.

He laughs and says, "Yuki, if you've forgotten me already, I won't forgive you."

He can hear the unsteady breathing over the phone, then a small, unsure laugh from the other end. "I haven't forgotten you, so forgive me."

"Forgive me, too. I haven't called." He says, and he hopes Yuki understands what he means.

"It's okay." Yuki replies, and Natsuki knows he's understood. Warmth floods him until he's unable to feel anything else.

"Natsuki, you should call us more! Call Yuki!" Haru adds in, and Natsuki just laughs again.

"Will do, Haru."

Later that night, he sleeps and dreams of snow, and a single, sparkling _snowflake._

* * *

[[okay this is completely awful prompt following wise but maybe if I explain it it will make a little more sense? yes okay  
yuki means snow, fuyu means winter, so natsuki is sort of inadvertently thinking of Yuki all the time or something I'm sorry that makes no sense]]


	5. Haze

Nothing seems to have changed, on the outside. Natsuki calls him at the same times, they talk about mindless things, and the circle goes on and on.

The circle goes on and on.

That's what causes him so much confusion, and sends him into a daze whenever he thinks about it, the way that Natsuki laughed, the way that, in such a simple manner, they overran their last conversation, friendship overtaking all else. The simple conversations early in the mornings that bring so many smiles, and yet the awkward pauses that sometimes eclipse through them bring so much confusion. Everything.

Everything about Natsuki is both confusing and amazing, Yuki can't stop but to think so.

He's truly glad that they've made up. Natsuki's apology, extended later the next morning, had relieved him immensely, but it had all been so odd as well. It seemed almost stilted, and not because of lack of sincerity but by lack of content, as if some parts had been taken out and glued together, missing pieces.

Natsuki is like a complex puzzle in Yuki's mind, and he wants to figure it out. He wants to know what makes him so kind, what makes him care so much for others, and yet at the same time makes him lack in the ability to give his own feelings consideration, and makes him so quick to judge. Yuki wants to know why Natsuki ticks at the strangest things, why he'll explode in a way where anyone - or at least Yuki - can tell that he's more upset with himself rather than anything else. Yuki wants to know why he locks himself away, and Yuki wants to reach in and tell him that it's all right, there's no reason to do so.

He isn't sure about the last one, why exactly, but he thinks it's because of the way it feels, like he's looking at someone exactly like his old self, but Natsuki isn't like that. Natsuki is better than that, Yuki knows, and it hurts him to see something so terrible hold him back. Nobody deserves to be held back by that, but Natsuki especially in Yuki's eyes, doesn't deserve it.

"...Oi, Yuki, are you still awake, or is it too early?"

"Ah! Sorry. I was thinking."

"About what?" Natsuki sounds amused, but Yuki flushes. Telling someone you were thinking about them seems so embarrassing, too embarrassing, and Yuki quickly says the first thing to come to mind.

"Fishing! Teaching everyone how to fish."

"Eh, really? Almost everyone in Enoshima should know how to fish at least a little."

"Well, Urara is new, and he's still-"

"As bad as you were before?"

"Hey!"

Natsuki laughs at Yuki's protest, warm, always warm. "I'm kidding."

"I know, but still! I've gotten a lot better."

"Think you can beat me?"

Yuki grins, even though Natsuki can't see over the phone. "I know I can."

"Someone is confident. Did you forget that I'm the pro-fisherman?" But he's laughing, and Yuki is proud of himself. "When I come back, we'll see."

"You're coming back?"

"Yeah, for my birthday, and for a vacation. I can't fish _all_ the time, you know."

Yuki laughs then. "So in a few months."

"Yeah."

There's a pause.

"...I'll be glad to see you." He says, and Yuki blinks, turns red and then does his best to calm down, because obviously Natsuki meant it as a friend, what other way could he possibly even mean? He's over-thinking it again, Yuki shakes his head, dispels his thoughts, and replies back, "Me too. I'll be glad to see you too."

Another pause, then a very, very gentle, "That's good."

They talk a little more, then hang up. Yuki lies back down on his bed, the same happy confusion that has taken over him the past weeks coming over him again.

It feels like he's getting lost in a _haze._

* * *

[[GOTTA GO FAST hrk this chapter 11:57 uploaded yeah I'm sorry Yuki you will get a long chapter eventUALLY]]


	6. Flame

He dreams.

There's something glowing to his left, red hair against stark white that goes as far as the eyes can see.

_Yuki?_ He turns, giving the hair a confused look. _What is he doing here?_

It's a dream, Natsuki is aware of that. But the airy feeling in his body doesn't allow him much more time to think on it, he floats through dreamspace without recalling the fact, sees the changing scenes in quick succession that feels so slow. Meeting him, fishing, speaking, leaving, and then, Yuki is in front of him, smiling.

He reaches forward and takes Natsuki's hand, tugging gently, and Natsuki is pulled along as if he's feather-light.

Their lips meet.

Natsuki wakes up, rolls out of his bed in shock and hits the floor on his shoulder, and Fuyu jumps elegantly from the edge of the bed she had been sleeping on, giving him a look that says, 'I know what you were dreaming', even though she's a cat.

That was not what he was expecting. That was not what he was expecting, that wasn't even something he- it- it didn't mean anything, nothing- it was his teenage hormones kicking in, he swears-

He mutters an empty curse and then rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling, red hair in mind. He closes his eyes, sees it again, mutters another curse and decides to get back into bed, forcing his thoughts in every direction but Enoshima - studying, cat care, cooking, anything but Yuki, and there it is again, he shakes his head hard.

_No_, he thinks,_ no._

It's nothing, just an odd dream. It's nothing.

It's getting harder and harder for him to believe, but he pushes and pushes until the thought sticks, and he closes his eyes and tries to sleep again. He turns fitfully though, dreaming unsteady.

In every dream, there's always a red_ flame._

* * *

[[Ahh, I'm quite busy for this week, so these chapters aren't as good as they could be, sorry! I have to keep momentum though, or else I'll lose it entirely...]]


	7. Formal

"Natsuki, are you all right...?"

"Huh? Yeah, I- I'm fine. Sorry."

"Are you sure? You seem a little..."

"I'm just sort of tired. There's been a lot to deal with over here.", he says, and Yuki gives his phone a skeptical glance. Natsuki doesn't sound tired. On the contrary, it seems like he's on edge, wound up.

"Why? What happened?" He asks, trying to ease the tension. He thinks for a moment that it's worked, but then Natsuki says, "Nothing! Nothing important! I've just been busy with practice and such.", his words stumbling over each other even quicker than before.

"But you seems really tense! It's not good to keep in stress."

"I'm not tense. Honestly, I'm fine." His reassurance doesn't convince Yuki at all, and judging by the silence on the other end of the phone, Natsuki doesn't even believe himself.

"...Well, if you're sure." Yuki leans against his headboard, deciding not to push it. Natsuki sounds like he's muttering something, but Yuki can't make it out.

"Yuki, I- I think I've got to go, there's a lot of stuff to do. Bye."

"Eh-? Wait- Natsuki-!"

He looks at his phone to find the 'ended call' symbol, drops it on the bed and slides down until his head touches the pillow, thinking.

_What was that?_

The film runs through his head, but it's useless - Natsuki is elsewhere, deciphering his actions is impossible, all Yuki can use is the memory of dozens of conversations, almost none which give him insight on what Natsuki feels - just what he's willing to say.

_We usually talk a lot more..._

He curls to the side, staring at his phone, grey on top of white sheets and blankets.

He doesn't think Natsuki is mad, from all their recent conversation, he seems to be content. It's just this week that he seems so unsettled.

_Even though he's the one who called me_. Yuki frowns. He hung up so quickly.

Now he's wound up, turning towards the window instead. _Why did he have to hang up so quickly?_

He frowns deeper. He wanted to talk more, a lot more, and instead there's a stirring of empty space, as if something is missing, and he almost feels like he should call again, see what has Natsuki's attention.

Natsuki being tense with him is something he doesn't like, not after all they've gone through. It brings Yuki back to days where Natsuki would give him cold glances and harsh criticisms, back when he didn't know what sort of person was under the surface, and that's something he doesn't want to remember. What's under the surface is so much more.

He dislikes it, he really dislikes Natsuki being so_ formal._

* * *

[[Ahhhh dang, this one is short too;; However, by tomorrow I should be more settled and less busy, so the quality should rise again. Sorry!]]


	8. Companion

He turns it over and over again in his head, the dream.

He wants to avoid thinking about it, but this time he knows that isn't going to work. The dream - dreams, actually - sticks in the back of his mind, to be completely honest, thoughts of Yuki stick in the back of his mind.

There's got to be a plausible explanation. Maybe he's lonelier than he thought, and his mind just took it a step too far-

Fuyu meows, walking in between his legs. Natsuki blinks, recalls what he was planning to do, shoe still in hand.

"Right, right. I'm going to get your food now."

He runs down to the small center of shops near his apartment, stopping at the pet store. As he wanders through the aisles he notices a magazine rack, one magazine in particular grabbing his interest. It's one of those terrible looking 'teen girl' magazines, but what catches his eye is the headline:

"Do you think of them all the time? Find out why!"

Part of him is tempted. Part of him opens the magazine looking for the article, swearing he'll only read a little and he'll regard it all as garbage anyways, so he doesn't make himself feel more like a fool.

"Poor girl, are you shy? Awkward? Don't know what to do in social situations?"

_This is garbage,_ he thinks as he reads, skipping over the words.

He's about to put it down in disgust when a line below catches his eye. "You don't know why you keep thinking of this boy, but you do, and it's driving you nuts?"

He cringes when he realizes he can relate, but the line is there, and he's in dire need of an answer, no matter where the source.

"Are you dreaming about him? Thinking about him all the time?"

_Yes._ He thinks before shaking his head slightly._ I mean, this is stupid._

"I know you may feel upset with yourself. He's just a boy, after all. And I know it's even worse if he's your friend. You probably feel a sense of guilt, right? Like, this is wrong! He's my friend!"

He keeps reading, skims down impatiently to find the point of the article. Near the last paragraph he finds what he's looking for.

"...However, it's okay! It's a normal part of life, and it just means that you've fallen in love."

He closes the magazine.

Carefully he puts it back on the rack and buys cat food and litter. He walks home and opens his door, takes off his shoes, drops his bag to the ground and then collapses on the carpet, face burning.

He's trying to deny it. He's trying to deny it, but realization hits him right in the face, again and again and again, every single thought of Yuki, every dream that has involved him, every moment that Natsuki's felt a stir in his chest, the pleasant shocks that run through him every time he manages to make Yuki laugh. The tightness in his chest whenever he calls. The irritation he'd felt when Yuki said he'd gone out with Erika. The loneliness.

Everything is pointing in a direction that he really, really doesn't want to think of but can't argue against any longer, because, he's facing it, the evidence is all there.

He's in love with Yuki.

He is in love with his best friend, a guy he met a year or so ago and went through almost death with, a guy he speaks to every week because he's fucking in love with him, oh god.

He covers his face, arm over his eyes. _How did this happen? How in the world did this happen?_

He hadn't even realized until now, but when he thinks back, the stirrings in his chest were present even in Enoshima. Was he really that dense? Or maybe he just thought it was feelings of friendship, either way, how, why.

Fluttering through his mind is Yuki's image and snatches of conversation, and he stiffens, rigid as a board. How is he supposed to speak to Yuki now? The last time had already been disastrous, considering that he had just had the dream then. With this in mind, how-

-He breathes, steadying himself. Slowly, calmly, until he can think.

He doesn't want to stop speaking to Yuki - the opposite, in fact - so he'll just have to deal. He can do that. He can ignore the twinge in his chest for a few hours on the phone, at the very least he can do that. He'd rather do that than not speak to Yuki at all, he'll be himself, same as usual, just a little more - aware, he guesses.

It's not as if Yuki feels the same way about him anyways, and his friendship is more precious than anything else. He'll take what's available to him.

Still, if it was possible, he'd really like to be Yuki's _companion._

* * *

[[We all saw this coming, right  
next chapter is going to be a little different, just so you know]]


	9. Move

Haru isn't considered intelligent, per say. Most of the time he's considered a lot of other qualities, but when people describe him, they don't think to add 'smart' to the mix.

It's not that he isn't smart, however. It's just a different kind of smart.

He's observant in the way a child is observant, he takes in information quickly, processes it slowly. He can easily rattle facts off, but ask him what it all means and he'll give you a look, something between confused and thoughtful. He's this way in both nature and because humans are so different from the people of his home, and he loves them for it.

Yuki is his favorite human, though to be honest all his friends are equal in his mind. He's never felt more comfortable, when he's with them it seems like everything is twice as beautiful, twice as unique as before.

Sometimes though, he finds that humans are difficult, and even more so when he watches his friends, sees them struggle with things he simply has no grasp of understanding on - pain, anger, things he's only experienced little in comparison to them. Even worse are the complex things, the mixtures of emotions, things like love, guilt, regret. Haru doesn't understand, he tries, reaches, but near misses almost all the time.

Kate has tried often to explain to him love, but he can never understand perfectly. He observes others, but from a far distance, everything seems a little distorted. Happiness around one person alone? A specific kind of happiness? He feels so happy around his friends though, so does he love them?

"Mm, yes, in a way." She had said, smiling. "But there are many types of love, Haru."

"Ehhh? How can I understand them all though?"

And his mind circles, cycles through endless things he's heard and seen, but he still can't understand. It bothers him immensely, the constant sight of others holding hands, heads touching, brushing against each other and then leaning closer, laughing quietly together and while he can see something is different, he can't place his finger on what.

He decides to ask Yuki one early morning, hopes that maybe Yuki will give him information to understand, an example, something he can use to process within his mind what love must feel like, what it is. But as he creeps towards the open door he hears a light laugh, peers into the crack to see Yuki on the phone.

"...Natsuki, those aren't very good at all- See, I told you, American snacks are really strange."

Haru's first instinct is to jump into the room, speak to Natsuki as well, after all, Natsuki is Yuki and Haru's friend, isn't he? But the laughter in Yuki's voice holds him back, and he watches instead, curious eyes and ears absorbing the sight and sound.

There's something different in the way Yuki smiles on the phone, Haru can't place it exactly, but it reminds him a lot of the things he sees outside, the laughter from people who hold hands and lean on each other's shoulders. It's not the same way he laughs with Haru or smiles, his eyes are different, his posture, even his voice, slight differences that seem to make all the difference. Haru observes, curious, and a little stir of something maybe like jealousy, though he's unaware of it.

Yuki murmurs into the phone, a soft goodbye. Haru watches as Yuki stares at his phone, bright, soft smile at the screen. He tiptoes away, hoping that he's unheard.

Yuki is smiling at his screen, unaware, and doesn't even _move._

* * *

[[Different! As I said before. I actually like this one, maybe because it was easier to write, ahaha.]]


	10. Silver

It's raining today, a sort of oddity in the usual hot weather.

Natsuki rarely minds the rain, in fact, he tends to like it. The lull of raindrops hitting pavement has always been soothing.

He ties his shoes and lifts his hood up, stands under the shelter of the doorway for a little longer before going out into the rain and running, a steady 'thwack' against the pavement.

He can hardly see, with water hitting his glasses at random, but that's fine. He doesn't need to see the sidewalk, not at this time in the morning, he'd rather take the time to think, let his feet follow steps they've taken before.

Tomorrow he calls Yuki as usual, he runs through his mind what's happened the past week, what he considers safe topics, things that could never diverge into territory he's not prepared to deal with. He's proud to think that he's done pretty well, only stumbled once or twice with himself, and at the very near end of calls, where he can't control the creeping happiness any longer.

It's easy to drift if he's not careful, easy for him to say things that hold a little more than just friendliness, and he worries, wonders if Yuki can see right through him through the phone, as if he's made of glass. It feels like it, sometimes, when he talks and can't control himself, when he looks to the side and sees his own grin in the reflection of the window.

He can't help but think of Yuki's face, hope that it's the same kind of smile, but he knows that's silly to dream of. He still can see it in his head though, his imagination runs wild, different scenarios and different faces, expressions he's never seen on Yuki's face, all for him alone.

What he really can recall best though, is the fact that Yuki's eyes are _silver._

* * *

[[The hardest part of following prompts, I think, is that if you have 0 ideas for a prompt it turns into filler. :c But oh well, what can you do.]]


	11. Prepared

"Okay, okay! I'll try to send you it, I guess." Yuki says, twirling a CD case lazily. "I didn't know you liked them."

"I do." Natsuki says, "I can't find anything over here though."

"I had to look around for this CD too, since they're not well known." Yuki sighs. "I'm kind of worried..."

There's a teasing edge to his voice when Natsuki says, "I won't break your CD, Yuki. Trust me a little."

"That's not what I meant, but now that you mention it..."

"Hey!"

"Kidding." He laughs, Natsuki's exaggerated sigh through the phone ends in a chuckle. "I'll send it to you, don't worry."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Oh, shoot. It's almost seven over there, right?"

Startled, Yuki looks at the clock, and sure enough, the time flashes at 6:54 AM. It'd been almost an hour, he realizes.

"I should probably go, right?"

Quickly he replies, "No, it's okay. I slept early."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"All right then." And a warm, almost feathery tone is in his voice when he says that, and Yuki shifts, the uncomfortable feeling he's gotten for weeks bubbling in his stomach.

_Not uncomfortable,_ he thinks,_ but...Different._

It's different, that's what's unsettling. The past weeks there's been a fluttery feeling that he gets whenever they talk, especially when the warmth comes into Natsuki's voice.

"Yuki, are you sure you don't need to sleep a little more?"

"Yeah, I..."

"Hm?"

"It- It's nothing!"

Yuki can't explain it without embarrassing himself, but he wants to keep talking. He wants to know more about Natsuki, the small things they didn't speak about before he left, things that never came up. It's an uncertain feeling, but one that doesn't leave him.

At one point he decided it was because he wanted to puzzle Natsuki together, but for some reason he's adding pieces in, as if that makes the job easier. In truth, he's beginning to realize that his explanation isn't making sense anymore.

"Yuki...?"

"Ah!" He blinks, panics. "Sorry, I started thinking..."

"About sleeping?"

"No, uhm, just about..." And he searches his mind for something he can speak about, without letting Natsuki know his puzzling problem. "...Swimming, learning to swim. Haru's been trying to teach me, but he's...Not the best."

"You couldn't swim?"

Yuki is surprised. "I never told you?"

"Not that I remember, no." Natsuki answers. "But it's good that you're getting lessons now, at least. Especially working on a boat, no wonder you were so nervous the first time."

"Yeah, I suppose so." He blushes, it wasn't because he couldn't swim so much as because he'd never been on a boat that fast, but Natsuki doesn't have to know.

"Maybe I can help you when I get back." He says, thoughtful, and Yuki takes a second to think about it, Natsuki and waves, summery smile and tanned skin.

He stutters into the phone, "M-maybe, but I think Haru can manage, he's not that bad at teaching me."

"Oh, that, that's probably true." He sounds just as flustered as Yuki feels. "Nevermind that."

"It's fine. Uhm, I think I have to eat breakfast now, so..."

"I'll talk to you later then. Bye, Yuki."

"Bye."

He tosses his phone on his pillow, head in his hands. That was, surprising, the sudden mental image, he flushes red when he recalls the smile, the warmth of his words.

Again, the turning, bubbly feeling in his stomach unsettles him, and he doesn't know what to do, he's never felt anything quite like this.

He's not_ prepared._

* * *

[[uurghh, following prompts is painful, so very painful, but we're almost at the main bit, so bear with me. ]]


	12. Knowledge

His body feels hot, and yet instead of hanging up, he stays on the phone, listening to the sound of Yuki's voice.

It had started off as a regular conversation, discussing random topics, occasionally lapsing into silence whenever they took time to think. Then Yuki had brought up the matter of English, saying, "You know, I can speak English."

Natsuki had been, he admits, amused, surprised. He'd asked, "Well?" and Yuki had said, in what sounded like perfect English to his untrained ear, "Obviously."

That's when things had begun to spiral downhill for him.

He'd answered back in English, admittedly worse English than Yuki. "Then I better practice as well."

Yuki had laughed. "You're not actually too bad."

He should have put the phone down the second the shiver ran down his spine, but instead he answered. "I've been living here for a while, do you really think I wouldn't be able to speak at least somewhat decently?"

The breathy quality of Yuki's voice had caused his own breath to hitch. "Sometimes others have a strong accent, is all."

"Not me, I hope."

"Yeah, you don't."

And they had continued in mundane conversation, except for Natsuki has to control his breath as he speaks, focus on breathing steadily, because he feels hot, closed in. He swallows, runs his tongue under his teeth, clenches the counter as he searches through his cupboards to find dinner, except he's not paying any attention to anything but the voice that comes from the phone.

English had never struck him as a very pretty language, it had never really stood out to him until he'd heard Yuki speak and then lost his ability to think, opening and closing cupboard doors at random.

He wishes he could completely understand all that Yuki says, but a few words are lost in translation, and he asks for them. He never manages to hear the answer, all because Yuki has the audacity to start with, "Natsuki," and his voice sounds tight, as if he feels just as constricted as Natsuki, as if the heat is creeping up on him too, and that thought does it, the risk too great. Natsuki tries his best not to murmur the words, "Actually, I think I have to go", but he doesn't think it works, in fact, he's pretty sure he sounds breathless, and he's mortified but desperate.

Yuki responds, "Mmkay, bye." A little faster than normal, maybe, but Natsuki isn't sure, he isn't sure of what he's hearing and what he's imagining.

The heat is closing in, invading his arms and heading down into his stomach and beyond, and he groans, slides down the counter and leans against the cool wood, trying to calm down.

He was caught unaware, didn't have the _knowledge_.

* * *

[[Natsuki and suffering, ahahaha. Honestly though, poor kid.]]


	13. Denial

_No, no, no,_ is the mantra in his head._ No, no, no._

Heat is closing in on him, heart beating fast and he feels shaky, he scrambles across his bed and opens his window, letting cool air brush against him until he's calmed down.

The morning sky is glittering, he looks at the bright blue, closes his eyes and feels the breeze.

None of that should have happened. Nothing should have happened when Natsuki spoke English, his arms shouldn't have been shaky, his breath should have been firm. He shouldn't have felt heat twining around his body and tightening ever so slowly. He shouldn't have noticed the way Natsuki was breathless.

Nothing should have happened. Nothing, he keeps telling himself, nothing! But all the little things, the way he said his name, as if choked by the same heat and swallowing it down, Yuki opens his eyes and breathes, exhales deeply. The heat unwinds itself, but creeps along, memory still fresh in his mind.

He's trying to figure out what exactly it is he's feeling. He's not enjoying the answers he's finding.

He's in _denial._

* * *

[[ack, short chaps! whoops. also, important announcement, I'm going to korea for a week or so! I have no idea if I'll get internet access, however, so depending on that I may or may not update(or update sporadically for five days.) I do plan to write every day though, just, expect chapters five days later than they should be.]]


	14. Wind

It's a heatstroke summer kind of day, dry heat that comes with dry winds.

Natsuki, in a fit of masochism, sits outside, stares out at the street with a popsicle in his hand, melting.

He leaves for Enoshima in a few weeks. They seem too far away now, but he knows he'll end up procrastinating, packing at the last minute, and then panic at the terminal. Same as before, when he had left.

Well, not quite the same as before, he thinks, mocks himself. There's a big difference, now.

With that thought he opens the gates, lets Yuki fill his mind like rushing water until he almost can't breathe - almost, but he's not drowning. He'd rather use a term like immersed, slowly sinking into memories and feelings, floating among the waves.

He breathes, lets the dry, hot air in and out, takes a turn of time to empty his head entirely, lest he really end up drowning. He lets the floodgates empty, but closes them again, knowing that eventually they'll need to be opened once more, because the feelings and memories float back, never leave entirely, and that is, he realizes, how he wants it.

Feelings for Yuki, he turns it over and over again, the small circle that both fills him with something(love, is the whisper, but that's too embarrassing still, no matter his realization), and yet also drains him, leaves cold despair in him on the days where he thinks about the future and Yuki being with someone else, somewhere else, maybe not even in contact. He knows that he doesn't have a chance, but hope is a powerful thing, especially when it's something like this.

There's a gust, a certain unsteady but strong _wind._

* * *

[[I guess 5 chapters are coming all at once? hoo.]]


	15. Order

He tosses the thoughts around his head, trying to disassemble their meaning.

The bubbly feelings in his stomach, the flush on his cheeks and the strangely cherished conversations that he'd never thought he'd have. Laughter that comes from the core of his body, warmth in his voice he feels like he's stolen from Natsuki's seemingly endless supply.

Reels and reels play, with no pictures but sounds, and he lets himself create each scene, moment by moment, word by word. The carefully constructed pile of memories that he has is overwhelming when he takes his time to look at it.

Fresh at the top is the last conversation, where the heat coiled and sprung, and Yuki blushes deep red, throws it to a different corner of his mind to mull over. He tries to put them all together, all the thoughts and the feelings, but it seems that he's missing a piece of the puzzle that was once Natsuki and yet now seems to be just Yuki himself.

He keeps staring and staring, willing it to all make sense, organizes them to different sections, but he can't fit them. Each scene is only crafted by him, after all, Natsuki's real face is lost, the little things that make him really who he is gone because of old memories, and lacking ones.

Yuki needs to know, needs to see Natsuki's face again and have it pressed into his mind until he's a perfect replica, able to create scenes with no problems and no questions, all little quirks and motions completely set.

He doesn't know why he's so obsessed, but that question is overrun by the desire to know, to have it all in mind at any time, to be able to see him whenever he wants, no problem.

He needs to put his mind in _order._

* * *

[[Wow Yuki finally gets a contemplative chapter.]]


	16. Thanks

Next to him is an old man who seems to be full of energy and on his other side, a woman who pulls out a book before the flight has even begun.

Natsuki leans back in his seat and prepares himself for a long flight, pulls his headphones out as soon as he can and listens to the CD that he borrowed from Yuki, he plans to return it once he gets back to Enoshima.

He wonders what's changed in the time he's been gone, looks at his mother's bracelet on his arm and smiles, wondering how his father is and if Sakura has grown any. He closes his eyes and dreams of the coast, the pier, the small shops and houses, of bright red hair...

With that he wonders how he's going act, what he'll say, what he'll do. If anything he'll probably be the same as before, to make sure there's no suspicion. That would be the last thing he'd want, to cause a rift between them.

But what was before like? He places his elbow on the armrest and leans on his hand, trying to remember how he acted before his realization, finds that he can't seem to remember in perfect quality. It's all a little blurry in his head, not that it's much of a surprise, considering how busy he was with helping them save the world, but it's still a bit unsettling.

_Forget it._ He crosses his arms and leans back._ I'll just act like myself._

He doesn't even begin to think that'll be difficult, he lets his thoughts drift further, to Fuyu - who's being watched by the older woman next door - to his luggage, to his family once again, until he's drifted into sleep.

The woman wakes him up when the food comes, in the middle of a dream with his family, maybe a memory, but he can't be sure. He smiles though, reminded of how good he has it.

_"Thanks."_

* * *

[[why is is that Natsuki always gets contemplative chapters? Boy seriously thinks too much. And dang, just noticed how short all of these are, whoops.]]


	17. Look

When Natsuki comes back, Yuki cannot stop watching him.

It's not that he's changed in a major way, maybe he's a bit taller and maybe he's a bit tanner, but it's not those things so much as there's a new feeling around him, something like confidence, but not that either. It's an adult feeling, with sprinkles of teenager still present, it's something that Yuki can't name but notices.

There are a lot of things he notices though, now that he's taking the time to look.

The way Natsuki moves, the worn, yet somehow elegant weathered hands, the smoothness of his neck, things that Yuki never noticed, how he never noticed he doesn't understand, because everything about Natsuki is interesting, notable, all of him Yuki wants to press into his memory until he can remember in detail.

He thinks about it in his sleep, wakes up the next morning and tells Kate he's going to see him to say welcome back, she smiles and waves him away, saying she'll tell Haru when he wakes up. He walks to greet a mildly jet-lagged Natsuki whose hair is a mess and is wearing an apron, making his family breakfast as if he never left. He greets Yuki with a warm hello, asks if he's had breakfast, Yuki shakes his head and Natsuki grins, and it's so different from what Yuki remembers that he's struggling to keep up, because now it makes Yuki want to get up and, and he doesn't know.

He wishes he was more concerned about it, he wishes he could focus on something, but all that holds his attention is Natsuki, the curves and sharp angles of his elbows and the way his grin is charming, more so than Yuki remembers from before. The way he ruffles Sakura's hair when she comes downstairs, his face so very fond that Yuki can feel himself ache on the inside, almost clutches his chest and is vaguely reminded of Haru and band-aids, though the whole thing is a blur, everything is a blur but Natsuki, Natsuki, Natsuki.

He follows behind as Natsuki walks around Enoshima, Haru bouncing around, and for the whole day all Yuki does is follow, meticulously pace himself and make sure that he doesn't crumble entirely. He's swallowed up by simply looking, catching the little things he never noticed before, watching until every piece is practically burned into his mind. When Natsuki brushes close to him he has to control his jump, turns to every ounce of self control he has to not burn up into nothing but ash, feels like fire in the middle of the sidewalk.

Haru pokes his side at least four times to warn him of dips or poles, Natsuki asks him twice if he's sick. Yuki wonders if that's the case, he's staring so much out of the corners of his eyes.

Once they run into Urara and Coco and Urara promptly hides behind her. Natsuki give him a wary glance, but then smiles, nods their way, the curve of his mouth not quite a smirk but almost, a curl at the edge. Yuki hardly registers their hello and goodbye, his focus is on the slightly chapped lips and sharp eyes, thin relaxed shoulders.

The day is too fast, Natsuki is swept away by his family and Yuki and Haru go home. Yuki lies in his bed and thinks, closes his eyes and watches the reels, every frame with Natsuki in it causes him to stumble over that fluttery, soft noise feeling. He swallows, wants to reach out and touch soft dry skin, but all he can do is_ look._

* * *

[[Yuki honestly now don't be so creepy]]


	18. Summer

Sakura is very keen to her brother's moods and habits.

She knows he tends to fiddle with something when he's nervous, she knows he taps his fingers on tabletops when he's bored. Knows how he'd sometimes hold her close, as if trying to protect her from something she can't see, knows that sometimes he'd stand at their mother's shrine for a long time, eyes dark and hands tightly clenched, trying not to cry.

That had been only a few years ago, when Yuki and Haru and Akira hadn't been there, when he'd lost his love of fishing and slowly gained a deep bitterness that had divided them, family turning into three people living in the same house. Sakura had felt tired then, she had disliked her brother at moments because he had made it so difficult, even though they all suffered from the same wound. He'd been the same to her, maybe, but it'd all been a little more mechanical, as if he was only going through motions, and Sakura had understood, but at the same time had hated it, wished that he would allow himself to lean on someone else, lean on them instead of taking it all by himself.

But that had been a few years ago, and when Yuki and Haru and Akira had burst into his life Sakura had seen her brother become himself again, the last summer he'd been the happiest she'd seen since their mother's death, fishing and laughing and being the brother she knew instead of an odd replica. It had hurt when he slapped her, but what had bothered her most was the fact that he'd almost closed himself in again, almost let himself get lost. She'd been upset, wondering why he let himself get hurt like that, she had been tired, tired of dealing with the tension.

But he'd found her, apologized. And she'd forgiven him, because she knew, her brother never meant to hurt her, never would if he could help it. He tries too hard to be forgiven, she knows, but that's what makes her love him, the way he tries too hard, even if that means he hurts just as deeply.

But she's never seen him like this before, never seen the smile he gives Yuki when he's at their table in the morning, before she's even made it all the way down the stairs. She's never seen him so soft, yet on edge, never seen him brush against someone if he could help it, never seen anything like her brother when Yuki is there. He's more dazed, more focused, different, and Sakura can tell that her brother is in love. She hopes he knows himself, she wishes she knew how it happened. When he had left it had just seemed like friendship, but now it's a much deeper feeling, she can see it the face he makes.

She doesn't mind, even if a small part of her childishly clings to him, saying no, he can't give his warmth away yet. She wants her brother to be happy though, she wants him to be able to lean on someone, and she wants someone to be able to reach for him when he closes himself away. Yuki seems like he's good at that, the reaching, even if her brother doesn't like to acknowledge it. That's how he is.

This new year has a very interesting _summer._

* * *

[[Sakura chapter! Didn't mention that it would be different, but well, here we are. Oh Natsuki.]]


	19. Transformation

Sakura runs into the Hemingway and announces, "Everyone can visit now! They said it was okay." Before running out, the sound of a car driving away following her.

Yuki takes a second to register her meaning, then calls for Ayumi and Misaki, who run from the back of the shop straight to their car, dragging Yuki with them. In less then thirty minutes they've arrived at the hospital, busted through the doors and asked for the maternity ward. They're first checked over for vaccinations, then directed down a hall and told to be quiet. When they get to the door the nurse opens it gently, whispers, "There are a few more guests."

Natsuki's father lets them in, waving them over.

"A healthy baby girl, seven pounds!" He proudly whispers. Next to him is Natsuki and Sakura, behind them, Mariko, who smiles tiredly, small bundle in her arms.

Misaki croons at the baby, Ayumi is holding back tears, it seems. Yuki watches as Nastuki and Sakura hold each other's hands, their father's hands on their shoulders, looking at their sibling.

Yuki has never seen something quite so beautiful and yet, quite so sad.

When he's dropped off at home he decides to take a walk, wants to think, Haru tags along, babbling about babies, filling the silence. Yuki doesn't mind him much, he just thinks, walks down the street to the beach and is surprised to find Natsuki there, fishing as if nothing had happened.

He's not sure if he should say hello, something about the solitary figure makes him think twice. Haru says hello before Yuki can scoot away.

"Natsuki! Why are you fishing?"

He turns, seems startled, Yuki can't help but notice the stiffness, his bright eyes. But he waves at them, says, "I was catching dinner."

"Ah~! I see. Can we join you?" Haru jumps down the beach without waiting for an answer, Yuki runs after him, trying to catch the back of his shirt. "Haru, Natsuki didn't say-"

He smiles. "Sure."

With that, Haru splashes in the upcoming wave, Yuki walks slowly to Natsuki's side.

"You'll scare the fish like that!" Yuki scolds as Haru wades deeper into the water, making a fuss. Haru giggles, but wades further off to the side, shouts, "There, now I can't scare the fish off!", a bright yellow and blue dot against the sea.

"I didn't mind." Natsuki murmurs. "But thanks."

Yuki turns to look at him, flinches at their close proximity, the burning in his arm, but he doesn't move away. Instead he says, " 'Welcome."

They stand for a little in slience, Haru's splashing in the background. Natsuki drops to the ground, leans back, hands against the sand. Yuki follows suit.

"I never thought I'd have another sibling."

Yuki turns his head to look at him, careful not to over-stare at the curve of his ear.

"After my mom died," Nastuki says, sort of whispers, Yuki strains to listen, "I never thought anyone would move on. I didn't think it was possible." He stares at the sea, Yuki watches his hair flutter in the wind, the blank stare.

"But I was wrong. Things kept going."

Yuki nods, unsure of what to say. Natsuki sits up and turns his head, looks at the pier, Haru in the water, his fishing rod, and then at the sea once more.

He sighs, long stream of air. Yuki wants to hold his hand.

It seems too sudden when he collapses on Yuki's shoulder, resting his head on the space, eyes covered by glasses and black hair. Yuki tries to breathe.

"It's kind of weird to think I have a half sister." He says.

Yuki doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say when he feels something wet on his shoulder. What he wants to do is rub his hand against Natsuki's neck and soothe him, kiss him until he doesn't cry, touch him, reassure him some way.

Wants to. Doesn't.

Instead he lets him cry, not saying a word, the sea and Haru's splashing the only noise swept up by the wind.

It's in this way that Yuki realizes he's in love with Natsuki, lying in his bed, letting the reels roll.

_Thinking of kissing him - what is wrong with me?_ He looks at the ceiling, feels water enclose his body. Thinks of what it all means according to TV, to Kate explaining it to him when he was young, to what girls seem to whisper about in the school corridors. Everything points him to that, he feels the tightness of his face and panic in his chest.

Before it overtakes him completely though, the thought of how nice it would be flits by him, if he could touch. It sends a warmth through him, takes the chill of cold water away and instead he's gently embraced, the feeling he gets whenever Natsuki laughs.

He closes his eyes, feels drowsy. Wonders what exactly to do. Not being friends never crosses his mind, Natsuki may not feel the same, Yuki knows, but it's all right, it's all right so long as they can still fish together in Enoshima.

He's undergone a _transformation._

* * *

[[Ahh, I'm sorry for not updating! Re-adjusting/resting from korea back to the states. I should have at least 3 chapters by the end of today though.

Oh Yuki, Natsuki has to cry to get you to know something obvious. That's mean.]]


	20. Tremble

They keep brushing against each other, arms or hands or backs.

He knows it's his own fault, mostly, he gets too close, wants to feel the warm skin. Being so close once hadn't helped, in fact, he's convinced it made it worse, how much he wants to lean on Yuki. They touch twice as often now, it seems.

Whenever the backs of their hands touch he shivers slightly, a tingle up his arm, when they sit next to each other and their arms or wrists cross paths he does his best not to reach further and grab his hand.

No matter where they go or what he does though, they seem to touch, even his purposeful steps to create distance backfire, pushed even closer to Yuki than before. Sometimes he swears Yuki walks closer of his own accord until their sides graze together, hands barely not touching, one small reach away.

It's beginning to drive him a little crazy, his mind panics every time he wants to grab Yuki's hand, much, much too often. Those times only grow in number the more he glances at him, it's hard to look him directly in the face, but he swallows it down and does so anyways, not wanting to cause suspicion.

Yuki, at the moment, is looking at his phone, letting his other arm skim against Natsuki's as they walk. Their wrists keep touching, Natsuki wishes he could grab his hand and just hold him-

-He turns away quickly, panic setting in. He can't do this for much longer, can't imagine going back to America without saying something, can't stand how difficult it is to hide. He'd rather let Yuki know, let himself get over it, doesn't want to hang on feelings like this forever.

Part of him is worried that Yuki will pull away from him, disgusted. He's willing to risk it, because he's ninety percent certain that won't happen, because Yuki isn't that type, friendship is the crowned tower for him.

He lets himself, in anticipation,_ tremble._

* * *

[[Ganbatte, Natsuki. Is that even the right word, oh well.]]


	21. Sunset

It's Natsuki's birthday today, and while his family is busy with the baby, he fishes with Yuki and Haru and Urara and Coco instead, takes a break.

Ayumi takes them to the sea on his boat, lets them fish, Haru catches many small ones, Natsuki catches several average, and Yuki one large one, this time Haru won the contest requirements. Urara and Coco end up with nothing, though they do tangle the fishing line at random, Ayumi spends the better of his time trying to untangle their knots that Yuki swears they did on purpose. Natsuki laughs a lot though, at both the antics and the strange gift and letters from Akira, Yuki holds himself back, cautiously allows himself closer when he doesn't feel the urge to press himself against his back in minor jealousy.

He can't tell if it's just his own nerves, but there's something tense about Natsuki too, as if he's planned something, but Yuki doesn't know what. He wants to know, in a way, but Natsuki glances at him and he frets, what if he knows, and their friendship is broken, so easily, like a wrongly tied string.

He frets, under the surface, water sloshes around his feet all day, waiting for the chance to rise up and engulf him once again. It heads towards his waist near the end of the day, when they're all at the pier, sitting in the cafe, and he and Natsuki are sitting right next to each other and their hands keep brushing, once he swears their fingertips touch and he jolts, Haru laughs when Yuki falls from his chair and Natsuki looks worried, nervous. Unsure.

Yuki thinks he probably looks the same way, at this point, water sloshes, rises and dips from around him, but it's not quite swallowed him whole yet. When sunset is coming they walk back, the aliens ahead of them, noise making, while they themselves walk silently, in a not-quite-comfortable silence.

Haru suggests they fish one more time at the beach, since the sunset looks so pretty. No one opposes, though Yuki can see the wringing of Urara's hands, as if being near the ocean brings him discomfort. Natsuki fidgets as well, but agrees, and Haru cheers.

Once they're set up, the sun is about to set, they cast. Yuki and Natsuki stand next to each other, the aliens splash each other - except for Urara, who declines, sits on the beach and builds sandcastles.

Natsuki turns to look at them, says nothing to Yuki, who panics more. What if he knows, how long would he have know if Yuki just learned himself? Was he obvious? Could he be anymore-

"Yuki." Natsuki says, looking downwards. Yuki turns, his head almost snaps at the speed, he stutters, "Y-Yes?"

"I..."

There's a hesitant dip in his voice, Yuki is frozen. Does he know? What does he know?

In the very corner of his mind something whispers, "Maybe he feels the same." But Yuki pushes it away, because silly hopeless dreams aren't what he needs right now, when Natsuki seems so hesitant and different and there's a faint color to his face, Yuki bites the bottom of his lip, he's so nervous for what Natsuki is going to say.

"I, Yuki I l-"

The rod jerks, gets both of their attentions as Haru runs down, soaked, and tries to grab it before the fish gets away. Natsuki turns immediately, grabs the rod with both of his hands and pulls, and the moment is forgotten until Yuki walks home in the night with Haru.

He thinks, thinks, turns red as his hair when he pretends what the next words would be.

He can't even remember the_ sunset._

* * *

[[graahhhh alrighty almost completely caught up, tomorrow we should be back on schedule.

wow, only a couple more chapters to go! Seems like such a short time.]]


	22. Mad

When he gets home, he greets his family first, then goes straight to his room and lies down on his futon, face in the pillow.

That went awfully. That went the exact way he didn't want it to go, that went and failed spectacularly, he groans, sits up and runs his hand through his hair. Why did he hesitate, he had planned it all out in his head, the way he had hoped it'd go and the way he expected it to go, they didn't align exactly but he'd thought he'd at least get the words out, but no. Instead he'd stumbled, practically landed face first, and then when he'd finally managed to collect himself the fishing rod had called for his attention and he'd forgotten to say anything.

He leaves soon. He leaves soon and the rest of his week is filled up by chores and errands and storework and other things that don't really involve Yuki in a quiet setting, there's no place that's appropriate.

It's not that he's really...Against the idea of telling him somewhere less private, but it's more embarrassing, and even worse is the chance that Yuki will be so surprised it'll attract attention, which Natsuki definitely doesn't want, for his sake and for Yuki's.

He wants to say it though, even if his stomach flips and churns and does things that generally make him uncomfortable, there's some part of him that desperately wants to say it, practically scream it to the heavens. There's no way he'll do that though.

His thoughts rage in his head, how the whole day he spent his time thinking about it only to miss his chance, he sighs in exasperation. He can't believe himself, he's so _mad._

* * *

[[Natsuki, we understand, we're kind of dying over here too

Ah, for that anon that asked, korea was great, though humid and full of vegetables every meal.]]


	23. Thousand

He doesn't know what to think.

He can't help but play that time over and over, but he doesn't get an answer that he accepts. He runs the dialogue through his head.

_"...Yuki, I l-"_

And then it cuts, his mind shorts, a thousand different thoughts bursting, half of them silly hopes or obviously incorrect dreams, he can't help it, but he wishes he could. They fill him with wistful feelings, only for the rest of him to berate him for his stupidity, his naivety. Natsuki doesn't like him. He may know - Yuki swears he has an idea, that's why he's so cautious, isn't it - but that doesn't mean anything other than the fact that Yuki is probably obvious about it.

The other half are thoughts that make him cringe, things like Natsuki saying he likes someone else, or things that are simple, mundane, and the most probable. He drifts in and out of reality that day, and the next, thinking, sometimes wishing, sometimes distressing.

He doesn't necessarily hide from Natsuki, but whenever he sees him he stiffens, feels nerves turn taut, and he knows what his face is doing, unfortunately. So instead he tries to see him minimally, not that it's hard, he's preparing to go back to America.

_Back to America_, Yuki thinks, realizing that they'll probably continue over the phone like usual. The thought stresses him out and warms him up at the same time, but what rises in him most is a certain kind of sadness, that he'll have to sit through calls without ever saying what lies in the corner of his mind. That he may have to listen to Natsuki talk about an American girl, with the kind of ardor that he wants directed at him but will never get-

-He dodges a signpost, wishing he could bring himself to tell, but his anxiety holds him back.

His thoughts run by the _thousand._

* * *

[[I'm in literal suffering this takes them so long, I'm amazed you guys have stuck by this fic ;u;]]


	24. Outside

_Click click click_ is the sound a suitcase makes on a tiled airport floor.

Natsuki drags it along, wanders through the airport with mild ease, he's been there recently and he has to follow the same general route, so it's not like he'll get lost. Behind him is his family, behind them are his friends.

He's returning to America, his last day in Enoshima for another year is almost done, all that's left is to get on the plane and well, go.

_Without saying anything at all._

He doesn't look back while he walks, doesn't want to run into anything, but he doesn't think of his flight or the right gate or any of that, instead he thinks of how far away it is, how big the ocean is, how long he's going to end up waiting again, maybe by then it'll be too late to say anything, he'll have lost his chance and ended up drowning in feelings he never drained.

He doesn't have a chance now, in this crowded airport with his family and other friends and even strangers watching. There's no way he'll get to say it, he looks down with a bitter smile and tightens his grip on his luggage.

But there's still time to talk to him, he realizes, his flight doesn't leave for four more hours. He has two hours to spend with them before he has to go through security, and he's going to make the best of those.

So he turns around and asks everyone if they want to sit down somewhere and grab an early dinner, a chimed chorus of 'Yes!' is his answer. They find some fast food chain inside, nab a table or two - not without struggle, but they manage - and Natsuki shoves his nerves away for a bit and sits next to Yuki. He seems surprised, Natsuki wonders if he's thinking about him, then pushes the thought out of his mind before it gets the better of him.

They chat. They chat with everyone, but Natsuki notices that Yuki is distant, in a way, leans slightly away from him and his heart sinks. He wonders if he's done something wrong or, even worse, if Yuki had seen through him like glass, and isn't sure what to do, how to act. He keeps his composure, but every glance at Yuki makes his heart sink, ache, his hand clenches and unclenches beneath the table and he wonders if the idea of 'forbidden things taste sweeter' is true, because now he really wants to grab Yuki's hand as it floats in a space that's too far away.

Two hours still pass too fast, and before he realizes he has to go to the gate, practically runs with everyone behind him, and certain enough there's a line that he should get into as soon as possible, but not before his father and sister hug him goodbye and say, "Do your best."

He feels like they're referring to separate things, but he doesn't dwell on it, lets the tightness of Sakura and his father's hug warm him for a moment before he's let go of and his father scrubs his eyes. Mariko isn't there, taking care of the baby and still in the hospital, but Sakura pats her father's arm in her stead, Natsuki tries his best not to smile at her maturity. Ayumi holds him so tight he can't breathe, Haru does the same, Misaki overtakes the both of them, and he laughs, tries to hug them back awkwardly, Ayumi tells him again to be a true man of the sea.

He looks past them for a moment, looks at Yuki who looks at him, and when they let go Yuki steps forward, arm across his chest, holding the hinge where his elbow connects.

"...So I guess this goodbye again, huh?" Yuki says, seems to relax himself, though his shoulders are still stiff and the hand on his arm is holding tight, Natsuki can see it through the way the skin pulls.

It hurts, it hurts, his chest hurts, Natsuki isn't even sure he can smile, thinking of having to wait a year to get another chance to say something he may never get to say. Thinking of Yuki all through a year and drowning.

It's not his plan at all when he hooks his arm around Yuki, over his shoulder and around his back, not his plan at all. He's not even thinking when he whispers, lips so close to his ear he can feel it, "I'm in love with you."

He hadn't meant to say that. Hadn't meant to whisper it like this, not this close, hadn't meant for any of this, but at least no one else can hear but them. He lets go and turns, practically runs into the security gate, the short glimpse of Yuki's face both relieving him and bruising him, because while there's no disgust, there's no joy either. Just shock.

He doesn't look back, doesn't think until he stares through his window at the sky _outside._

* * *

[[ohhhh god. Suffering, being Natsuki is suffering. Sorry it's so late at night, but hey, we're back on track.]]


	25. Winter

While he watches the trees go by in rapid succession from a car window, he pretends the goodbye wasn't anything big, doesn't tell anyone what Natsuki says.

When he gets home and Kate asks them how it went, Haru says it was sad but fun, and Yuki doesn't say anything, he climbs the stairs to his room and closes the door.

Then he spends two long hours of the night screaming in his head and playing the reel over and over to make sure he heard the words right, his thoughts are garbled, mangled excuses for words, he's at a loss for what to do, what to think, his heart beats over a hundred a minute, he thinks he might die. He's never felt like this.

However, one thing strikes him the next day, one thought that freezes him up. The fact that Natsuki- Natsuki doesn't know exactly what Yuki feels, and, and Yuki himself never got a moment to say it, because he ran off into security and he was so shocked he could barely breathe.

He still isn't exactly sure he can say it, but that doesn't matter right now, because he doesn't want to say it over the phone. He can't. He has to at least extend the same kind of bravery Natsuki did, though when he thinks of that he's still unsure, nervous, not anxious exactly, he's not drowning, but it's all, uncertainty that flutters around in him, maybe his feelings will change before Yuki gets to say anything. He has to wait a year, after all, and in a year so much can change, and even if he says it what will happen then? Natsuki leaving again, but, he closes his hand and forms a fist, but, he doesn't want to let it go, not without trying.

The lack of a call that weekend practically stuns him, hurts him like a missing call never has before. The next week is spent wondering why, and he realizes that Natsuki is always the one calling, was the one to start calling in the first place, and now he's told Yuki something stunning, and isn't sure of anything, and Yuki himself is sure that he wouldn't call either if he was in his shoes.

So he picks up his courage the best that he can, hesitates pressing the call button for another hour until the night sky is up and set. When he finally takes a deep breathe and presses, the wait scares him so much he's tempted to hang up at the second ring.

Then Natsuki says, "...Hello?" and Yuki is both relived and nervous. Very nervous, but he thinks of how Natsuki must feel even worse, with uncertainty swimming in his mind, and Yuki continues on, determined.

Everything is awkward, but unfolds, and the next week Natsuki calls him like normal, talks normally, laughs normally, and never brings up what happened at the airport. Doesn't comment on it, doesn't explain, and Yuki gets why and swallows questions. He doesn't want to break this careful communication, not right when Natsuki has left, maybe he'll ask when it's not as recent and when he's sure Natsuki won't bolt at its mention. At the moment he gets the feeling Natsuki will.

Instead he takes the time to notice how many things he's missed, the warmth in Natsuki's voice(directed at him and only him, and how it's always present) and the way he sometimes gets shy, the laugh and chuckle and snort, the soft goodbyes. He can't believe he never noticed, but now that he does it almost knocks him over, strikes him hard and sends his heart up his throat.

When the leaves have changed color and he has to begin applying for colleges, Kate suggests America and Yuki swears there's a sly sparkle in her eyes. Suggests that, since Natsuki is near a college, why doesn't Yuki go looking around that area, stay with Natsuki for a week to get a feel for it? Of course, she adds, only if Natsuki is all right with the idea, why doesn't he call to ask?

Yuki picks up the phone that exact night and calls him, asks nervously about it, worries that Natsuki will hang up or say no or worse, whatever worse could be.

"A-And my grandma suggested it, but I mean, if you don't want me to stay at your place it's okay-"

"It's fine! I'm- I- uhm- I don't mind." Yuki practically melts in relief. His chance is there, he'll see Natsuki again, maybe even say what he should say.

The date he goes is next year, and he fidgets all through _winter._

* * *

[[almost there yuki, alllllmost there...]]


	26. Diamond

Natsuki thinks that generally, he has been lucky his whole life.

His family is kind and caring and he's loved something since childhood that he could make a job out of, he's not awful looking and has no major diseases or injuries. There's hardly anything in his life to complain about, hardly anything that he can make a fuss over.

He wonders, as he greets Yuki from the airport gate, if luck can deplete, if it can trickle out and be overspent, because right now it seems that he's used it all. Every last ounce of his luck has been spent on getting to see Yuki, having him live in his house for a week, and honestly, if he's unlucky for the rest of his life after this he won't give a damn.

A week with Yuki in his house, he can't even believe it, hardly registers in his head when he unlocks his door, Yuki trailing awkwardly behind him. He turns, shows off his small but able apartment with a slight flourish.

"I don't really have a guest room, so you can sleep in my room and I'll sleep on the couch or something like that, it's really up to you." He says, smiles, makes sure there's a good deal of space between them as Yuki walks in because he's beginning to remember just exactly what he did when he left. He's remembering it and oh, he better stop before he starts turning red and can't look Yuki in the face. Maybe that's payback for using his luck so generously.

Yuki shakes his head, "I can't sleep in your bed, that's rude."

"I don't mind." Natsuki shrugs. "You're only staying for a week, after all, and my couch isn't uncomfortable." Yuki shakes his head harder, Natsuki gives him a look but decides that fine. Having Yuki in his bed would-

-What a sentence. He almost runs into his kitchen, drenches himself in the sink. Instead he nods, "If that's how you want it."

They stand in an awkward silence, end up speaking at the same time.

"Where should I put-"

"You can put your-"

Yuki pulls his luggage a bit as Natsuki points, moves it to the corner of the room and then asks, "May I?" before sitting on the couch and Natsuki sighs in exasperation and tells him, "Yes, obviously," and he sits, sort of fiddles with his hands.

"Uhm, Natsuki..." He starts, and his tone isn't something that Natsuki wants to deal with at the moment, not this early in the week, but he doesn't know how to sidestep it-

There's a meow from under the table.

_Thank everything,_ Natsuki thinks,_ that Fuyu exists._ She pops out from her hiding place and looks at Yuki curiously, then meows again. Natsuki picks her up and goes into the kitchen, saying, "This is Fuyu. Sorry about this, she hasn't been fed yet."

As the week progresses, almost reaches midway, Natsuki isn't sure if he's dreaming or not, hands in coat pockets as he shows Yuki around the local college and the shopping center nearby. When he wakes up to go running and Yuki is still sleeping on his couch he's so beside himself that he runs straight out the door without a jacket, running to avoid the ridiculous swell of his feelings, feels like he's being chased by invisible sprites.

Then Fuyu purrs and snaps him back to reality, not memory, as he watches Yuki pet her from the corner of his eye. The television is showing some random news, he looks to the ceiling and closes his eyes, wonders if bliss feels a little like this, even though underneath it all there's a nervous, depressing sting that he'll have to listen to Yuki's answer eventually.

Yuki hasn't brought it up though, not since that first day, and Natsuki controls his hands and doesn't touch him at all, not even on the shoulder, because that's safe. That's safe and won't cause him to do something stupid like the last time.

For the moment, at least, it feels like he's found a_ diamond._

* * *

[[Natsuki why won't you just shut up and listen for once oh my god]]


	27. Letters

Akira has always loved traveling.

He loves to see different things, loves variety and novelty, and that was his explanation when he left Enoshima, that he wanted to see things, do things. That time had been bittersweet, but it was what he had wanted, and it was what he had got.

He hadn't left a means of communication - he didn't have a personal email, and his phone was work only - so he was surprised when one day he received word from D.U.C.K that there were letters addressed to him, postcards, all read and okay'd by George Ace, of course.

Akira had taken them in curiosity and been embarrassed afterwords, reading the backs of pictures, telling him of events that had occurred in his absence, and simple mentions of him that radiated with a fondness he was wholly uncomfortable with. But he had replied on scraps of paper to every one of them, and it was like this that he understood what was unfolding around his friends, even if no one else noticed.

Ayumi's letter had begun with, "Hey Indian!", detailing little things, talking about being married, "Never get married if you can avoid it", then mentioning that Yuki stared at the wall photos often, hinted that Akira should come back when Natsuki came back and fish with them for a time. Haru's letter had been both a surprise and childishly scribbled, writing curvy and a little unstable. He'd written a lot though, about him coming back and Urara, and when was Akira going to come back and fish with them? He missed him, missed everyone, did he know that Yuki spoke to Natsuki over the phone? Probably not, he shouldn't have written that, but he tells Akira through the letter that it's a secret between them, like the phone calls. Akira rolls his eyes after reading, but a pinprick of a smile finds it's way on his face, slowly blossoms. Tapioca quacks next to him, her lover curled into a sleeping position.

"That is not what I look like, Tapioca."

She quacks again, Akira gives her a look. "I'm not nearly that happy."

Natsuki's is from an American address, tells him a few things and teases about others, "So now that your duck has a lover, you're lonely, right?", "Bet you're bored without us". But hidden in scribbled script are things like, "I wish we could fish with Yuki and Haru again", and something scribbled out that he can't see, he thinks it says something about asking for advice, but he's unsure. When he writes back he adds in the postscript that yes, Natsuki can ask for advice, if he needs any.

Yuki writes him awkward, heavily erased and rewritten kinds of letters, but Akira finds that they're always natural in the end. He writes that he misses Akira and their fishing competitions, Natsuki too, has Natsuki sent him a letter? The writing there is messy and there are eraser streaks, as if he'd erased and rewritten the question over and over. It's this question that makes him think a little, during a dull spot in his fishing, why exactly Yuki talks to Natsuki over the phone in "secret".

He's not much of one for anything in that kind of area, but he considers his thoughts confirmed when Natsuki asks him about such things. He spends half a week trying to figure out how to write that he's not much at it, ends up giving generic advice and things Tapioca said when he questioned her for help.

Still, he reads carefully and searches for clues, responds and finds there's a warmth no matter how near or far others are.

He keeps them all underneath his bed, a multitude of colorful, meaningful_ letters._

* * *

[[agghh Akira is hard to write and this chapter is just suspense or something, why did I make that multiples of nine rule. If you're wondering what I mean by that, check every post that follow's nine's multiplication chart. 9x1 = 9 and so on.

Also, almost 100 reviews? I love you guys. I'm keeling over.]]


	28. Promise

He should have guessed that his luck would stop somewhere.

Natsuki lies in his bed and frowns at the ceiling, the day runs by in his head. Yuki hasn't spoken much, he wonders why, gets frustrated with himself the more he thinks about it. Of course he's uncomfortable, staying with the guy who confessed to him in an airport, obviously he's starting to worry about it, Natsuki is probably lucky he wasn't wary from the start.

As it is right now, the day has gone by without more than twenty words passed between them, maybe less. He starts to fidget, gets up and decides he'll run, it's not too late and he's positive Yuki won't mind the lack of his presence at the moment.

"I'm gonna go running." He says as he walks through the living room. Yuki jumps at the sound of his voice, Fuyu running out of his lap.

"O-Okay."

Half his shoe is on and he's tying the laces when a hesitant voice behind him says, "Natsuki."

It's the same tone as the very first day, Natsuki doesn't turn around, prefers to stare at his laces and prepare for the inevitable.

"What?"

"Natsuki, turn around."

He doesn't. He doesn't say anything either, just stops tying and stares at the floor, notices the mat is really dirty and he ought to air it out, and there's Yuki's voice again, saying, "Natsuki!"

It's insistent this time, and he grips his laces but turns halfway around with a glare and flushed cheeks, shouts "What-"

The whole world stops.

That's what it seems like when he sees the heart on the phone screen that Yuki holds up, looking at the floor, his face red. There's no contortion though, no strange mask, just a bright blush facing the floor.

Natsuki opens his mouth, closes it, tries to figure out what to say and somehow ends up saying, "That- That's not fair! I said it! You-"

Natsuki mentally beats himself to death, shouting a number of swears in his head at his stupidity while Yuki looks at him incredulously, shouts back, "W-Well at least I'm giving you time to answer! Unlike you, who just left! W- Who even does that?"

They're both red in the face, Natsuki tells himself to stop arguing, but instead he yells, "I was scared! What else do you think I could have done? You-" He gets up, takes a step forward, isn't sure what he's going to do, "You-"

He grabs his arm and pulls him close and kisses him straight on the mouth, presses awkwardly against it and hopes desperately that Yuki doesn't push him away, or does, he's so awful at this. He watches Yuki blink once before he closes his eyes and grips the cloth of Yuki's sleeve hard, and when he pulls back he looks him straight in the eye and his face is burning.

Yuki looks back at him with wide eyes and an electric blush, but doesn't break any contact, reaches for Natsuki's sleeve and tentatively holds onto it, Natsuki sucks in a breath and looks a different direction, cheeks a candy red pink.

"I can't even believe you..." He mutters, still holding onto Yuki's sleeve. "What kind of answer is that..."

Still, he moves forward and grasps Yuki into a hug, Yuki squeaks in surprise, but their arms are wrapped around each other and the world could fall apart right now and Natsuki wouldn't even care.

Yuki mumbles, "Sorry I can't say it." And Natsuki whispers back, "It's fine." There's a slight shake of Yuki's head, his grip tightens on the back of Natsuki's shirt and he whispers, voice shaking, "I'm, I, I'm in love with you...too..."

It fades out, his voice isn't audible by the word 'with', but it doesn't matter.

It's a _promise._

* * *

[[AND FINALLY. Finally, finally finally. Almost blew that one, Natsuki.]]


	29. Simple

It was an unintentional movement, one of those moments when you aren't thinking, you're just moving without a care.

They'd been sitting back to back, hands sort-of-kind-of touching and then Yuki had thought about having to leave the next day and not seeing him for a seemingly long seven months and then he'd turned and Natsuki had turned too because something in the air had shifted, at that moment their hands touched in a not as innocent way, sparked, Yuki isn't much of a describer, not right now. Maybe not ever. He'd leaned over, kissed Natsuki without a second thought.

_Things are better like this_, he thinks vaguely, _when they aren't forced or planned._ There's a slight touch to his side, a calloused hand running down his ribs above his shirt and he sighs, soft, more a light breath than anything, though it's stolen away by a mouth on his own, an awkward tongue that he wants to know, even through hazy nerves. His own hand moves without him noticing, when it touches skin - dry, warm skin that is not his own - it rubs up and down, pulls Natsuki's arm closer while they kiss, sort of messy and sort of shy but also everything Yuki wanted and more, because it's real and he's never felt anything like this anywhere, and it's reassuring to know that Natsuki is just as inexperienced.

They press together, heads move and their teeth clink, both of them pull back, startled, but they look at each other and Yuki is mesmerized by the glow in Natsuki's eyes, the blush, the cool wind that comes from the fan in the room, the whir. He's sure he looks worse, clumsy as he is, and the anxiety rises, but it can't seem to overtake him in this room, the water just spreads out, turns from a cold crashing wave into warm pool he stands in, holding Natsuki's arm and staring at his face. He can't exactly feel the anxiety, not right now, the touch - he finally gets to touch - is all he can focus on.

His hand slides down until it's at the curve of his elbow, unintentional, it's unintentional. Natsuki's hand wanders around his hip and there's a partial part of skin where his shirt is hitched upwards, his fingers brush against there and Yuki can feel himself stiffen. It's beginning to get warm, when Natsuki leans forward and kisses him again, gently, hand against his hip, he melts into it. He melts into it and and lets himself press forward again, this time their teeth don't clink, mouths slide smoothly together. The heat on his hip spreads, moves upwards under his shirt just a little, and Natsuki breaks the kiss this time and looks at him, asks if it's okay. Yuki nods.

His hand moves then, creeps upwards and touches the skin on his ribs, fingers dance over them, dip into the curves. Yuki shivers, grips Natsuki's sleeve, lets himself get lost in the feeling, then decides that he has to do something to reciprocate, same touch. So he lets go and rubs the back of Natsuki's neck, shifts so he can be a little closer, just barely enough to let his mouth graze the skin. Natsuki stills. Yuki starts to worry he's done something wrong, but then Natsuki moves and oh. Oh.

He's not entirely sure how this works, but the world spins and spins around him, hot breaths and warm skin and no shirts and then their pants slide off, and a mouth - Natsuki's, with chapped lips, Yuki recalls through a daze - is on and off his, hands exploring his torso, and his own hands are reaching too, meeting other fingers and palms and he thinks _oh. Oh, oh, oh._

Kisses are pressed onto his neck, he responds in turn, kissing the edge of Natsuki's jaw, blushes and looks at Natsuki's face. It's the same, he's positive his face is just as red, same desperation and all. Their hips move together, up and down, arms and elbows against either side of his head on the bed and he closes his eyes and moves, listening to rough breaths and grips the sheets, Natsuki's sheets, the ones he sleeps on every night, the ones that smell exactly like him and his heart is starting to pound. He's starting to be unsteady, pulls Natsuki closer and kisses him because he can, caresses the skin on his neck and back and shoulders, a low, low groan bounces around the room and he can't tell who it came out of. It doesn't matter. All that matters is the touch, and when they move faster and everything seems to shatter and dissolve, when sweat runs down his face and he lets out a small, almost undetectable cry, when Natsuki seems to collapse on him, that's when everything comes together and he doesn't worry, doesn't even think.

That moment, when heavy breaths drain and soft murmurs are said(I love you, through his red hair he hears those words, and he tightens his hold in response), that moment is_ simple._

* * *

[[oh man. oh man. I hope no one minds my terrible fluffsmut writing. I hope no one minds the timing. Oh man. It was either at Natsuki's apartment or Enoshima and I think they would have died if they had to wait 7 months, but still.]]


	30. Future

"Ahh, class is so tiring."

The door opens with that statement, Natsuki gives Yuki a relaxed smile. It's returned, Yuki collapses next to him on the couch, Fuyu weaves between their legs. They slide until their shoulders touch and sides are pressed close, hands twine together, relaxing in the sunny summer day that comes through the window.

"You're lucky." Yuki says, "You just fish."

"Hey, it's still tiring!"

"Mmm." He chuckles. "Sure."

"Well, you didn't have to choose this university." Natsuki teases, leans a little more. Yuki's cheeks tint pink, but he answers, "Japanese universities would've been harder."

"Yeah, maybe." He answers. They don't say much else, the ticking of the clock goes slow, tranquility floats in the room. Yuki's books lie on his table, Natsuki stares at them and smiles slowly, rises from his comfortable spot, pulling Yuki with him. He knows Yuki is giving him a confused look, he turns, suggests that they can make a late lunch and then call home. There's an agreement and a light in Yuki's eyes.

Lunch is simple, curry made from basic things, they sit across from each other and Yuki's phone lies between them on speaker, and they talk to Kate and Haru, Sakura and Mariko, pass conversation back and forth and through the phone, and it's exactly what Natsuki thinks bliss must be, comfortable and rich and still startling when Yuki smiles at him and his heart flips.

When it hits five and Yuki packs to go back to the dorm, Natsuki catches his wrist and asks if he wants to stay the night, full of intention and yet none at all. Yuki says yes without pausing, seems to say it before he even thinks. It makes him smile, makes Yuki blush, and when night falls there's no doubt in Natsuki's mind that while this isn't what he thought would happen in his life, it's better than anything that he'd ever dreamed.

This is their_ future._

* * *

[[Ahhh, that's the end of this journey! Thanks to everyone who read(and stayed) and reviewed, special thanks to cosipotente, Polishag, Drazzy, and NeonPoptarts, you guys reviewed practically every chapter and that is really a crazy feeling when you're guaranteed a review. Makes me want to weep every time, in a good way.

Maybe I'll write more sometime, hahaha.]]


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